Any relationship, especially the stable and "long standing", usually goes through some periods when sexual activity is less frequent. A warmer phase - which for some is total "drought" - can be the result of several factors.

"The decrease or absence of sex at certain times of the marriage is natural and is usually associated with critical moments in life, such as the birth of children, reform of the house, stress at work, interpersonal conflicts, financial or emotional crisis, alcohol abuse and or drugs, infidelity ... ", comments psychologist Mara Lúcia Madureira, specialized in CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy).

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However, it is not only these crises that influence conjugal intimacy. It is not uncommon that, during a marriage, people end up settling down in relation to sex and stop having sex for months and even years. This leads to the question: how long is it possible for a marriage to function without sex?

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Relationships that go through long periods without sex are more frequent than you think.

And, believe me, they do not always result in separation, which does not prevent the issue from being seen as a warning sign and one that deserves to be worked on.

Because he has the feeling that the other will always be there, on the pillow next to him, available, there is a tendency to leave sex for later, thinking that later there will be a more favorable moment. And then, the couple begins to postpone waiting for the best day, place and / or time.

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"When they realize, months have passed without a sexual relationship. It is very common to see couples who stop having sex because today is still Monday and tomorrow they have to wake up early or because today is Saturday and they were out all day and it is better to leave for Sunday they will be rested. These are thoughts that happen in both men and women and this starts to distance the couple ", says psychologist Adriana Severine, also a specialist in CBT.

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There is, according to Adriana, a time limit for a person or a couple to be without sex, since this depends on several factors. "There are young couples who have four or five years without sex and maintain their marriage, while others spend four months without sex and the relationship falls apart. Whenever we talk about human relationships, we cannot generalize, because each individual is unique", he says. Juliana Bonetti, a psychologist and sex therapist, from São Paulo (SP), says that the time that a marriage may or may not last without sex depends on how each one deals with this absence.

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"In certain cases, the desire is usually deposited in one, that is, one in the couple wants sex and the other does not or not so much. In these situations, sustaining a relationship becomes complicated. The demands and discussions become constant and difficult. to manage ", he says. Those who feel the most want to end up feeling rejected.

Friendship, complicity, love, common dreams, similar ways of thinking and trust are more important aspects than sex for some people and that can maintain an asexual marriage.

"Having a good relationship outside the sexual context influences a lot to tolerate the lack of sex. Many couples have a very good married life in terms of life for two, children, family, work. Sex is not what will determine a separation", he warns Juliana.

That is not why, however, the low or lack of sexual frequency should be underestimated. Sex is an important experience for individual and couple well-being, as it helps to strengthen intimacy and bonding.

Emotional withdrawal is a risk

A long time without sex can keep the couple away and it is precisely this separation - not only sexual, but above all emotional - that causes a kind of "lock" when the will arises, preventing the person from expressing to the other that he feels desire. According to Mara Lúcia, there are people who miss having sex, but do not take any action. What prevents them?

"The lack of attitude can express low self-esteem, negative self-image, financial or emotional dependence. Because he does not feel sufficiently physically, intellectually, financially or socially, the person settles down, finds ways to be sexually satisfied alone and goes on with life with his spouse. Passivity aims to maintain the status quo of the relationship and to avoid getting in touch with one's own feelings of inferiority or inability to manage one's life, relying only on oneself ", he says. For Juliana, a long period without sex also causes the person to lose contact with their own sexuality and sensuality and be afraid of being judged by the couple, since the intimacy, in this phase, suffered a certain shock.

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For Adriana, when sex starts to diminish or become scarce, it is necessary that the two are willing to talk openly about what is happening. It can be a difficult conversation, but it will also help motivate the couple to seek strategies for the problem or any issue that is affecting their libido.

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For example: if the unwillingness to have sex has to do with finances, the couple can define a plan to cut expenses or increase earnings and, as the setback is resolved, rescue intimacy and complicity.

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"But, if the two of you are not comfortable talking about it, the ideal is to look for a couple therapy to help them understand the moment that the relationship goes through. My advice is never to ignore the subject and pretend that nothing is happening There are couples who decide to live without sex, but this should be a decision of both, not something pushed with the belly and that does not resolve the situation. Ideally, a dialogue should take place and not a discussion or fight about the subject to meet together. an exit ", complete.

Originally published by Heloísa Noronha, Collaboration for Universa on the website, here

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